40 Ways To Lose Your Friend

Published on . Takes about 2 minutes to read.

Friends are important. One good friend is worth more than many, many acquaintances. Don’t fuck it up.

To be considered as humor, not as an actual to-do list. Loosely inspired by my life.

40 Ways To Lose Your Friend

  • Selfishly try to use him to to fill your business-quotas.
  • Be flatmates. Take up nudism.
  • Don't clean the toilet / shower / your room.
  • Tell him his sister looks hot.
  • Make a move on said sister and fail.
  • Make a move on said sister and succeed.
  • Blatantly refuse to do the occasional small favor.
  • Hang up when she calls you at 3am in the morning, in tears.
  • Don't take care of your nails / (facial) hair / teeth.
  • Shower at most once a week.
  • Propose a game of tennis. Take losing personally.
  • Don't be interested of her daily problems.
  • Prioritize everything else over her.
  • Ignore the not-so-subtle hints that he wants the dorm for himself to be with his girl.
  • Ignore the tie / sock / bra on the doorknob.
  • Talk about trivial things like they were the most interesting topics in the world. Constantly.
  • Whine about your miserable love life when he's planning a date with his girl.
  • Eat the last piece of pizza. Always.
  • In a heated argument, use the expression "because!" to justify your viewpoints.
  • Take pranks way too far.
  • Blame her for your failures in life.
  • Break her expensive camera. Refuse to buy a replacement without a court order.
  • Laugh when she describes her last six "normal" dates.
  • Wear her dress on a night-out. Get picked up by a guy.
  • Be obnoxiously possessive.
  • Try to do everything he fails in to "show how it's done".
  • Have a larger salary. Force to pay the bill(s) way too often.
  • Discredit her creative achievements.
  • Practice the guitar / drums / piano / violin at 4am in the morning.
  • Say that you think about death and suicide a lot.
  • Make jibes about her personal life when hanging out with strangers / friends.
  • Misunderstand what the phrase "you can trust me" means.
  • Listen to loud music and refuse to use the earphones when asked to.
  • Take hospitality for granted.
  • Study to become an actor. Use her to practice emotion-work.
  • Show up drunk and yell at him.
  • Show up drunk and try to get him to sleep with you.
  • Don't show up at all. Repeatedly. Make ridiculous excuses.
  • Accidentally kill her cat / fish / dog when pet-sitting.
  • Write a blog post titled "X ways to lose your friend".

To my friends: thank you for putting up with me.