Friends are important. One good friend is worth more than many, many acquaintances. Don’t fuck it up.
To be considered as humor, not as an actual to-do list. Loosely inspired by my life.
40 Ways To Lose Your Friend
- Selfishly try to use him to to fill your business-quotas.
- Be flatmates. Take up nudism.
- Don't clean the toilet / shower / your room.
- Tell him his sister looks hot.
- Make a move on said sister and fail.
- Make a move on said sister and succeed.
- Blatantly refuse to do the occasional small favor.
- Hang up when she calls you at 3am in the morning, in tears.
- Don't take care of your nails / (facial) hair / teeth.
- Shower at most once a week.
- Propose a game of tennis. Take losing personally.
- Don't be interested of her daily problems.
- Prioritize everything else over her.
- Ignore the not-so-subtle hints that he wants the dorm for himself to be with his girl.
- Ignore the tie / sock / bra on the doorknob.
- Talk about trivial things like they were the most interesting topics in the world. Constantly.
- Whine about your miserable love life when he's planning a date with his girl.
- Eat the last piece of pizza. Always.
- In a heated argument, use the expression "because!" to justify your viewpoints.
- Take pranks way too far.
- Blame her for your failures in life.
- Break her expensive camera. Refuse to buy a replacement without a court order.
- Laugh when she describes her last six "normal" dates.
- Wear her dress on a night-out. Get picked up by a guy.
- Be obnoxiously possessive.
- Try to do everything he fails in to "show how it's done".
- Have a larger salary. Force to pay the bill(s) way too often.
- Discredit her creative achievements.
- Practice the guitar / drums / piano / violin at 4am in the morning.
- Say that you think about death and suicide a lot.
- Make jibes about her personal life when hanging out with strangers / friends.
- Misunderstand what the phrase "you can trust me" means.
- Listen to loud music and refuse to use the earphones when asked to.
- Take hospitality for granted.
- Study to become an actor. Use her to practice emotion-work.
- Show up drunk and yell at him.
- Show up drunk and try to get him to sleep with you.
- Don't show up at all. Repeatedly. Make ridiculous excuses.
- Accidentally kill her cat / fish / dog when pet-sitting.
- Write a blog post titled "X ways to lose your friend".
To my friends: thank you for putting up with me.